if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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