I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
