I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
