I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
