chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
