I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
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