i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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