If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
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