somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.