I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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