I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
