This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
a search helicopter?!
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
