Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
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