I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I fill condoms, not promises.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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