I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
