My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
