just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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