My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
