i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
