you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
