i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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