This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
