check it out our google latitudes are spooning
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
