She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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