note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
