why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
