Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
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