I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
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