she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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