They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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