I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
We don't watch enough power rangers
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
