what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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