Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
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