i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
