Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
