I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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