Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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