Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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