I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
