If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
