apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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