I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
