I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
