just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
