2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
