SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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