they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
