i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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