a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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