watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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