You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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