I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
