Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
