I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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