Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
