I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
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