Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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