Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
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